The Egyptian words for 'Cairo' and 'Egypt' are the same, proving that Cairo is not only the capital of Egypt, but also its huge, clogged, pumping heart. We know that Egypt has given us some of the most important achievements in human history, and that 5000 years ago the Egyptians were the most advanced society in the world (a title they would hold for a millennia). When the Great Pyramid was built 4500 years ago it was the tallest structure in the world and remained so until 1889 when the Eiffel Tower finally surpassed it. Looking out over the jumbled mess of modern Cairo, you can't help but wonder where did it all go wrong? But we were determined to find our way through the chaos of Cairo and do it in typical Nick and Freddie style.

We had no plans to visit Egypt until very recently. Merv, one of my clients in London who lives in Cairo, extended an invitation to come for a visit. She persuaded me with photos of her 6000sq ft villa with tiled swimming pool and swaying palm trees. Merv is a director for a large oil company and is a very important person in this part of the world. When we arrived in Cairo we were ushered straight through the airport with luggage porters in tow. Our visas magically appeared from smiling men in suits who bowed and welcomed us to Egypt. Our private car was waiting directly in front of the terminal, air conditioning already blasting, and we were on our way to the villa within minutes.

Egyptians are unsentimental about their past, and for centuries the city has expanded by moving on to new areas to build while letting the old neighborhoods crumble. The newest chic area is called New Cairo, and Merv's villa is in one of the modern manicured neighborhoods called Katameya Heights. This gated community of hundreds of new villas is built around a golf course and a tennis club. President Mubarak's son lives here, along with movie stars and business executives. It is safe, genteel and gorgeous. Its heavily guarded gates create a bubble of tranquility on the outskirts of the megalopolis and the desert.

Merv and her young daughter Sabrina welcomed us with a bottle of Dom Perignon in the 'English Courtyard' and I knew we had landed on our feet. The villa is perfectly stunning and finished with the best materials money can buy. The Chandeliers are from Baccarat, the bathroom fittings from Villeroy and Boch, the Italian leather and polished marble are exquisite and understated. Merv has a team of staff that work all day to battle the dust, iron the sheets and serve the refreshments. After a long swim in the pool and a delicious dinner, we settled into our soft Egyptian cotton sheets (made in Italy of course). I felt like a Pharaoh.

On our first full day, we had to do that one thing that everyone is supposed to do before they die: See the Pyramids, The last of the Seven Ancient Wonders of the World. Tarek, our driver whisked us across the city over to the Giza Plateau where the iconic monoliths have endured for 4500 years. We were dropped at the gates that are unceremoniously located in a filthy, crowded street and after paying the $10 admission we walked in and stood in awe. The Sphinx stands guard at the entrance to the site. It is the oldest monumental sculpture in the world, standing sixty six feet tall with elongated paws stretching out before it. Even with the circus of horse and camel rides, souvenir vendors, persistent beggars and corrupt tourist police, the splendour of the Sphinx and the Pyramids is not diminished. We took our time to stroll around the three main pyramids and carefully set up my camera for the best shots. The Great Pyramid is not the one in the middle (as commonly thought) but is the one on the right. It is the largest, and oldest of the three. It contains two million blocks of stone weighing on average two and a half tons each.  The greatest difference in length of the four sides is less than two inches. Amazing precision for such a vast structure! The Great Pyramid was built for the Pharaoh Khufu, and ironically the only surviving statue of Khufu himself is only three inches tall. 

After a while, the heat began to take its toll and we made our way to the nearby Mena House Hotel. Built in 1869, it remains Cairo's best hotel with its forty acres of lush grounds and swimming pool with a view of the pyramids. Tarek was ready and waiting to chauffeur us to the next place on our list. The necropolis of Saqqara is on the outskirts of the city and is one of the richest archaeological sites in Egypt. Far fewer tourists make the trek to these smaller, older pyramids and we were able to feel the glorious peace and quiet of the open desert. The ancient site had lain buried and forgotten beneath the sand until 1851. One hundred and sixty years later excavations continue and treasures are still regularly found. 

The drive back to the villa took us past some of the poorest neighborhoods of the city. We witnessed children playing around open rivers of sewage with their dogs that had more mange than fur. Scruffy men herded goats down the streets dodging donkeys pulling carts of watermelons and old motorcycles belched blue smoke into the thick, hot air. Even the main roads in this area are not paved, and the dust is a monster that never lets up. Eventually we made it back to the freeway that leads to New Cairo and the inviting luxury of Katameya. Never before had I witnessed such a vast difference in the human condition in such a short distance. I thanked Allah for the accident of birth that gave me a British passport and the privileges of the “first world”. 

The next day we started at the Egyptian Museum in the heart of downtown. The grand, pink building is delightfully old fashioned with many of its treasures poorly lit and covered in layers of dust. It's the kind of place you would expect to find Indiana Jones poring over some ancient texts. We hurried to the upper floor to see the exhibit of Tutankhamen. The Boy King ruled Egypt from 1336 to 1327BC and died at the tender age of nineteen. It was not that King Tut was the most celebrated Pharaoh in ancient Egypt...far from it. His place in history was secured by the fact that his was the only royal tomb ever found completely intact. Somehow centuries of grave robbers never disturbed his eternal slumber. The treasures of his tomb are all on display including his games and hunting instruments, necklaces, beds, his golden throne as well as those incredible golden coffins. The jewel of it all is the solid gold death mask that was placed directly over his head. We stared into those 3300 year old eyes still sparkling with the beauty of youth. We considered that this one object is probably the greatest treasure in all the world. In another wing we saw the mummies themselves. There are about twelve on display in remarkably good condition. Here lie the remains of the more fabled Pharaohs including Seti I, Queen Hepshatsut and the legendary Ramses The Great. I held my own face just inches from the face of the mightiest man of the ancient world with only a half inch of glass and 3000 years separating us.

From the museum we braved the insanity of the streets of downtown to make our way to the cool flowing waters of the Nile. It defies belief that a city of 18 million people has almost no sidewalks or pedestrian crossings, and the thousands of people making their way around on foot are in constant danger. We saw women in head scarves carrying their shopping and their babies running through the non-stop crush of honking cars and buses. It all sent a shiver down my spine despite the heat, but we continued on in search of the river. Without the Nile, Egypt would never have existed. The country is 92% desert and nothing but the hardiest of goats could survive here. But the giant River Nile (the longest in the world) and its wide fertile valleys have supplied the region with life-giving water for all of history. The trouble is that Egypt's population has now swollen well beyond what the land can provide and in just a few decades the country has plunged into exasperating poverty. There is a lesson to be learnt here for all of us.

It is not hard to imagine that thousands of years ago weary nomads came out of the deserts and wept when they saw the lush growth and flowing waters of the Nile. After just a few blocks walking through Cairo's streets I nearly did the same. The apartment blocks along the Nile are the most coveted in downtown not just for the views but also for the cooling breezes. The big American hotels are positioned along the river with the Hilton, the Hyatt and the Four Seasons all boasting fantastic views. But it seems that the locals have their backs to the river. There are no promenades to walk along and the small sail boats are strictly for tourists. I would bet that the average working person in Cairo goes months or even years without glimpsing the city's greatest asset. We drank in the views of the river as well as a few cold beers from various stops along the banks. I even braved the disapproval of hotel security guards by taking my shoes off and stepping into the water, just to say I have done it.

After another night of pampering at the villa, we set out to see the oldest neighborhood in Cairo: the Islamic Quarter. Tarek dropped us at the entrance to The Citadel which is a vast complex on top of the city's highest hill that has been the home of Egypt's rulers for over seven hundred years. The centerpiece of the Citadel is a relative new comer. At only one hundred sixty years old the Mosque of Mohammad Ali dominates the skyline with its distinctive silver domes and tall, skinny minarets. Long before the famous boxer assumed his name, Mohammad Ali was the founder of modern Egypt. He was credited with breaking free from the clutches of the Ottoman Empire and making Egypt a major power in the region by the time he died in 1849. The mosque is huge and impressive, but the star attraction of this spot is the 360 degree views of the sprawling city.

We left the Citadel and set off again on foot, down the hill, past the City of The Dead (where living people have set up homes in a huge Gothic cemetery) and into the heart of the old Islamic neighborhood. We found our way through the maze of claustrophobic streets, admiring the old mosques along the way. We stumbled upon a ramshackle street market where the locals had gathered to sell their home grown meat and veg. There were cages of pigeons, rabbits and chickens, some alive, and some dead, as well as crates of lettuce, eggplants and zucchinis. The veiled women were out in force squabbling with the vendors for the best price. Butchers were skinning and chopping away and blood was running freely through the dirt lanes. The flies were having a field day. We paused and realized there was absolutely no sign of the modern world in any direction. The scene could have been one from 500 years ago. I breathed in the squalor with a smile on my face. I never felt so far from Corona California, and I loved it.

After an hour or so we realized we were completely lost. Two white men in clean clothes with a camera that costs half a year’s wages must look like a target to these people. But they are Muslim, they pray five times a day, and theft is a crime against Islam. This of course in no way inhibits them from swindling you into parting with your money. Allah apparently looks very highly on that. We found a local that was happy to lead us out of the maze and deliver us to our next destination: the famed Khan al Khalili market place. After haggling over the tip our guide should receive (we settled on three dollars), we plunged into the glittering medieval bazaar, and the incessant sales calls of the traders. There are thousands of shops in the narrow alleyways of this ancient market, all bursting the seams of their floor space. Each of the traders would like to make you think their crap is the best: silks, spices, hookah pipes, pillows, lamps, shitty little pyramids and King Tut heads. There are actually a few desirable items on sale here, but the constant badgering is so tiresome, we could not work up the energy to make a purchase. We found a seat at the famous Al-Fishawi Tea House in the middle of the marketplace and ordered an ice cold Coca-cola and hoped for a moment of peace. No chance of that. The vendors continued the assault bringing their tat into the cafe in boxes. It was time to get the hell out of Dodge.

Tarek rescued us and then drove to what was labeled the best shopping mall in all of Egypt. "City Stars" at least sounded promising. It turned out to be about as exciting as the Del Amo Mall in Torrance with 80's architecture and bland shops. Unimpressed, we asked Tarek to take us back to the villa where Merv had invited some friends over for a BBQ. A real, live Argentinean in charge of the fillet mignons was a novel experience for the guests, and I have to say Freddie did us proud. Although it was a new experience for him to have white gloved servants run around him and maids busily cleaning in his wake. He said it was certainly the easiest BBQ he has ever done.

On our final day we sat by the pool, wrote some postcards, and took our time getting ready for the flight home. Over the four days, we had all become great friends having really enjoyed each others company. We kissed Merv and Sabrina goodbye, and made sure to thank the maids, the waiters, the gardeners, the security guards and the drivers that had allowed us to visit the madness of Cairo in our own little luxurious bubble of peace and tranquility.